Sin Upon Sin. Grace Upon Grace.

Do you ever feel so bogged down by your own sin that you don't know what to do? You feel stuck. You feel that maybe, just maybe, God loves you less than He did before. Even though the last statement is false, this is common, and lately, God has been revealing things to me. The past 2 weeks during church, I have felt so convicted of the same sins that I continuously fall into. I've been feeling stuck, wondering if I will ever stop swaying from the Lord in these ways. But then during communion (my church does it every week), God revealed to me that I don't have to wallow in my sins. His work, through Christ on the cross, has put my sin to death, once and for all. Once and for all. That is truly amazing!

I heard from a speaker recently about how to experience God's love and forgiveness. He talked about how we can feel freedom in Christ. Coming to grips with your sin is hard, but is the first step to feeling the freedom of forgiveness. To feel this freedom, that has already been given, we must first confess our sins. The speaker suggested processing with the Lord what sins you currently struggle with and listing them off. This helps you process and admit your wrongdoings. If you were to stop there though, you would feel worse than you did before. So you must, then, recognize that all of those things are forgiven and repent of them. Repentance is the act of turning away from something and turning to God. It's like you are running straight toward something and then decide to make a 180 degree turn.  I got the chance to do this whole process earlier today:

• I desire evil- I murder people with my thoughts. I want people to feel how I feel when I'm hurting.
• I covet and commit idolatry- I want things that someone else has-a character trait, a friendship, attention, clothes, good circumstances. I am jealous.
• I want people to do things the way I think is right. 
• I like to think my ways are better than God's. 
• I want to be liked, loved, and desired, and will do whatever it takes to try to achieve that.
• I turn to the attention of others to feel desired. 
• I judge people.
• I gossip.
• I think people are doing less "good" than I am.
• I am self-righteous. 
• I am too comfortable, yet not content.
• I am ungrateful.
• I think I am pretty awesome. 
• I have too high of expectations of people.
• I sometimes admire people more than God.
• I want everyone around me to meet my needs.
• I think the my "good deeds" are better than they are and are going to "win" me God's love. 
• I compare myself to others because I want. I compare because I am not secure in who I am. 
• I am often not quick to forgive. 

Wow. What a list. I know there are plenty more. So what did I do with this? I wrote "1 John 1:9" in bold over this list.

"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness."- 1 John 1:9

Yes. Confession. If we are holding onto our sin without confessing it, it can feel like a heavy weight holding us down. God doesn't want us to deal with that. He forgives us regardless, but by confession, we are able to experience it and move forward from there. God's love, grace, are forgiveness are  incredible.

I've been pondering the story of the prodigal son. It's a story of a father with 2 sons who divided his property between them. The younger son quickly spent everything and was in need again. The story picks up with this:

"I will arise and go to my father, and I will say to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Treat me as one of your hired servants.' And he arose and came to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion, and ran and embraced him and kissed him. And the son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you, I am no longer worthy to be called your son.' But the father said to his servants, 'Bring quickly, the best robe, and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet. And bring the fattened calf and kill it, and let us eat and celebrate. For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was alive and is found.' And they began to celebrate."- Luke 15:17-24

The father RAN to his son. He greeted him with arms wide open and embraced him. They celebrated his return and gave him things that he didn't deserve. The son was unworthy because of the wrong he had done. This is how our Heavenly Father treats us. We are unworthy, yet He loves us and embraces us with arms wide open. It doesn't make any sense whatsoever. He is such a great pursuer. His love is completely unconditional. What a faithful God!  

"Oh, you of little faith!"

We all go through hard seasons. For me, I am just finishing one up. Summer 2015, honestly, I was dreading it. Most people are super excited for summer, and usually I am too, but this year I definitely was not. I had this huge responsibility ahead of me. It was time to raise support for my ministry work with Cru. I had a few months to raise thousands of dollars that would be my source of income for the next year. To say I was overwhelmed and scared would be an understatement. Like I said, I was literally dreading it, but I knew it had to be done. If I truly believed that God was calling me to this, I would have to do all that I could to make it happen. I knew the end result would be well worth it.

And so it began. I made phone calls and met with people day in and day out. Most days, more voice-mails were left than conversations were actually had. And often, when I did talk to someone, they explained to me that they already supported other organizations and that they were unable to add on another one. I constantly struggled between being encouraged that people were so involved with missions and being discouraged and frustrated that there were so many others "competing" with me in this mission field. Now, that sounds silly, but I hope you know what I mean. It is wonderful that so many people are going out and that so many people are giving, but it felt like I was in competition with other missionaries to find those people who are willing and able to give. I felt like I was putting so much work in and only seeing little results. I saw my selfishness so much this summer. I struggle with unrealistic expectations. I tend to have too high of expectations of people and too low of expectations of God. I was expecting everyone I talked to to be encouraging or everyone I met with to give a significant amount of money. That was far from the case. Sure, I had many many encouraging conversations, and many many generous givers, but those few discouraging moments are the ones that seemed to stick out and sting the most. I was expecting God to give me a smooth ride through all of this, and if He didn't, I lost faith in His ability and concern for me. I was relying far too much on my own ability, which proves to fall short every single time.

One night, I started doubting if this was God's plan for me, so I decided to go on a walk to process things. I voiced my frustrations to my Father and asked Him to show me His plan. When I got home, I wanted to continue this time with the Lord by reading my bible. I wasn't sure where to look for specific comforting verses so I just decided to continue reading where I already had been. This brought me to the second half of Hebrews 10. What was the title of this section? The Full Assurance of Faith. Seriously?! I knew this was going to be good! The first part of vs 22 reads: "let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance..." I am to have full confidence in my God! Then, vs 23 says: "Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful." Amen! We are to hold on to God's promises without doubting, for He is faithful! Now, let me jump down a bit: "Therefore, do not throw away your confidence, which has great reward. For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised."- Hebrews 10: 35-36. I need to remain confident and continue enduring. What peace fell over me in that moment. God clearly spoke to me and reminded me that He is faithful and trustworthy. It was in those moments where I lacked faith that I felt just like Thomas. Thomas was one of Jesus' disciples, who after Jesus raised from the dead, doubted that He was who He said He was just as I was doubting that God is who He says He is and that He is able to do what He says he can. When God came through for me, He whispered, "Oh, you of little faith!" or in other words, "I told you so!" ;)

So that's it right? After that hard night, my summer was great and I was full of faith and trust. Wrong!  You know that quote, "When the going gets tough, the tough get going?" Yeah? Well, that's definitely not me! It doesn't take much for me to get discouraged again. When things go differently from how I thought they should I start doubting again and just want to give up. I repeat, "oh, you of little faith!" We are humans, sinful humans, fighting with the flesh. We so easily forget how good our God is. So once again, I turn to the Bible for that reminder.
Hebrews 11 refers to many people from the Old Testament who lived by faith during a time of waiting or darkness. They, too, had their doubts though. But God, as always, proved Himself as faithful.

Hebrews 12:1-8- Therefore, since you are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted. In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding blood. And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons? "My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives." It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. 

Jesus is our Great Prize. And our eyes should always be on the prize. We are called to lay everything aside in order to reach and seek Him. This requires enduring all sorts of obstacles. It is so humbling because nothing we go through will ever be as hard as what Jesus went through for us! God brings us through these times of endurance to teach and to discipline us. No one ever likes being disciplined in the moment, but eventually you realize it was good for you. And I've finally come to that point. (Although I know I will forget again.) I realize that God's discipline for me is good and just what I need. It takes a lot of love to care enough to discipline someone. I am a child of God and He is treating me as so.

Romans 5: 3-4- Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope

Romans 8:28- And we know that for the good of those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

Ephesians 3:20-21- Now to him who is able to far more abundantly that all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen. 

Walls, Intellect, and Relativism

Hallo freunde! (Hello friends!)

It's been a while (but what else is new?). Thought there'd be no better time to blog than after another one of my great traveling adventures.

I am currently recovering from an exhausting, but amazing week spent in Germany-Berlin, Munich, and Nuremberg. What a beautiful country! Aside from the cool buildings and doors and cobblestone sidewalks and streets, I made much deeper observations that I've been reflecting on.

There are three themes observed that I want to address: walls, intellect, and relativism.

1. Walls. While walking through a residential neighborhood in Berlin one day, I noticed that every house had some sort of wall or fence. This tends to portray who the Germans are fairly well. Just as they build up walls to keep people from entering their property, they also build up walls to keep people from entering their personal lives. It is challenging to get to know someone on a personal level. Once they let you in, though, it is a big deal. I've been told they have a few close friends, but aside from that, they don't really talk to many people. It is rather difficult to become an insider, but once you do, you're in for good. I could see this quite evidently the first day we approached students on the college campuses. In the German culture, it is not normal for strangers to just come up and talk to each other. As we tried conversing with students, we were shot down more often than not, and often quite harshly at that. This got discouraging quickly. It was easy to find myself judging them and becoming apathetic toward them. While having these thoughts though, I couldn't help but reflect on the fact that the same feeling of rejection I was experiencing is how God feels when I deny Him...daily. How humbling and convicting! It is only because of God's grace that I am in a different position than they are. I have been touched by His grace and Spirit and He was able to break down my walls.

2. Intellect. Germans students take their education very seriously. They are deep thinkers and can be set in their ways. It is easy and common for them to take pride in their knowledge. They like to argue for what they think is right and argue against that which they don't. Coming into the trip, this was the aspect I was most nervous and concerned about. What if someone I talked to stumped me and I was left speechless and feeling embarrassed and shamed for my lack of knowledge? I guess, to my selfish advantage, it was good that I only had one conversation per day. I still felt intimidated when I did finally get into a conversation. Was this person going to have a strong opinion that was different than mine that they were passionate about arguing for? Sharing my faith always has me asking myself all sorts of questions leaving me anxious and fearful. But when it boils down to it, God is the One doing the work anyways. He speaks through me and is where I obtain the most important knowledge of all. I pray that God would reveal his ultimate knowledge to Germans and other people that don't know it.

3. Relativism. Along with their intellect, so many Germans also believe that truth is relative. It can be difficult to communicate with someone when they aren't necessarily willing to actually hear you out. While in Germany, we used this evangelism tool called "Perspective Cards" that allowed for easier spiritual conversations. These cover 5 important perspectives: Nature of God, Human Nature, Meaning of Life, Identity of Jesus, and Source of Spiritual Truth. Within these are 5 or 6 options for the individual to choose from. Under the "Source of Spiritual Truth" category one of the options is that truth is relative. This card was chosen multiple times. It is always hard to continue on after someone lays that one out. It seems at that point that anything else you'll say is pointless. I've realized that is a lie, because God is the One in control and He can work however he pleases. Plus, if we truly believe that The Good News is the Ultimate Truth, why would we not want to share it, despite what someone may believe at that moment in time?

God is at work in Germany and I am privileged to have been given the opportunity to be a part of it. God has been growing my heart for His people and the world. And for that I am grateful.